Last night was rough. Even after the panic subsided I felt gross. Depressed. Sad. Scared. Guilty.
Guilty. It's weird that I felt so guilty for having feelings. Emotions are not rational and we often cannot control how we feel. We just feel things. I felt like my panic attack hurt everyone around me. That I disappointed them by freaking out the way I did. I always feel like people think less of me after an attack like that. Above all - I feel guilty that the whole thing ever happening.
Regardless of how terrible I felt I got up this morning. I showered. I got dressed. I went grocery shopping. I did laundry. I made a giant pot of turkey stew for a team thanksgiving feast tomorrow. I watched football and I kept going. The world doesn't end because of one day.
I realized this morning just how lucky I am to have the support system that I do. Not only did I find someone to cover my Zumba class this afternoon but I had another offer to cover it for me if that fell through.
I woke up to caring and concerned messages - text, email, facebook, voicemail - from people who went out of their way to let me know they were thinking of me. I felt momentarily bad for worrying people... and then I felt loved. I'm lucky that I have that many people who care about me.
Today I am doing chores around the house but am trying to be as still as possible. Resting my body and my mind as much as I humanly can.
For me the worst part about a panic attack like I had last night is how drained and exhausted I feel the day afterwards. I often talk about the panic hangover and it's a pretty apt description. I know some of the muscle soreness is a result of the 5 hours of Zumba yesterday but a lot of it, the upper back and body stuff especially, are from the tension from the panic attack. The headache, the lack of appetite, the aversion to the sight or smell of most food - all of that is typical for me the day after a panic attack.
I also took the big step of asking a friend who she sees about her anxiety. Tomorrow I'm going to call Dr. Awesome and see if I can get in to see him. I've been on Zoloft for my mild depression and anxiety since college. I went off it for a short time after college until I got a real job and that was miserable. What was even worse was the short period of time I tried Cymbalta. That was evil, evil stuff.
Still, I think it might be time to do some talk therapy, even if just short term, and to consider changing up my medication. I went a few years without a major panic attack and yesterday was my second one in just a few months. I also had a smaller panic attack within the last few weeks. That's the start of a trend and not one I'm okay with. So off to the doctor for me.
Now just to get back on board with life. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. I've got a weird week ahead of me. Work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. Thanksgiving tucked in there to break up the weekly flow. Zumba tomorrow and Tuesday and then not again until the next Monday!
I'm really looking forward to the 5 day break from Zumba. Even though I KNOW I'll spend time over those 5 days learning new routines it'll be nice to not be on such a tight schedule.
Other than finishing laundry the only thing I have to do today is record a quick dance video with Matt and Katie. Then I'm making myself a steak and veggie stir-fry and curling up with a book till sleepy time. Rest. Recover. Reflect. The three R's of my Sunday... not a bad way to spend the day.