Self Esteem, Zumba and the Elephant in the room...

As I've mentioned previously in my Zumba Convention Wrap Up posts, I had a bit of a bad experience during the convention with instructors who felt it was necessary to be loudly, verbally, shocked that I could move the way that I do.

I was scared about this happening since the moment I signed up for convention.  I fully admit to being an insecure, scared teenage girl inside.  There's a part of me that always feels like I have to defend myself and what I've accomplished.  It's something I'm working on and I went in to convention with the highest hopes for a positive, life affirming, experience with my fellow instructors.

You see, I tend to be a bit of a pessimist when it comes to my expectations of people.  I guess I've dealt with one too many bullies and I expect one to be hiding around every corner.

I was full of elation Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of convention.  Everyone I met was so positive and kind.  I was feeling the Zumba Love to my very core.  All of my sessions, all of the downtime spent meeting new people, everything was going along beautifully.

I even got to share the joy of being able to wear Zumba pants for the first time with random strangers who happened to be nearby when I got those awesome purple pants on in the dressing room.  When I squealed the girl asked if everything was okay and I said "YES! I CAN WEAR ZUMBA PANTS!" She laughed and when I explained that I had lost 190 pounds and these were the first pants in the store I could wear she gave me a congratulatory high ten!

Then Saturday morning happened.

Sarah and I headed off to the Miami Party Masterclass with Heidi Torres and we were ready for a hot sweaty hour and a half with music that was on fire... and we were not disappointed. 

The class was in full swing, Sarah and I were dancing our hearts out and we got separated on the floor.  That's when I heard it... the snickering. I shrugged it off, telling myself it was probably just friends having a good time. Then I heard snippets of conversation and my heart sank.  I had become the elephant in the room...

Phrases I heard included:

• She can move, for a fat girl
• I'm shocked she can breathe 
• She can't possibly do the whole class like that.

The last thing?  That was after I heard the first two and started to push myself harder choosing to punish my body rather than bust out in to tears in a room of several hundred strangers.  After the third comment that was obviously directed at me I stopped, glared at the girls in question, and went back to killing the end of the class.  

My heart was aching though.  Who thinks it's okay to talk about anyone like that. I felt like I was back in middle school again.

All I wanted to do was go and hide in a corner and cry and eat my weight in chocolate and pasta.  I couldn't let them win though.  I've fought so hard to get to where I am and some mean girls were not going to ruin this incredible experience for me.

Admittedly, I did skip the next session.  I just couldn't handle another room full of people so quickly.  Plus, Sarah and I had to get ready to meet our choreography group to record our routine.  So I internalized, tried to reason the meanness away, and steeled myself for feeling like a gross mass of blubber while dancing with my team, all of whom are too pretty for words.

Our recording session went really well and my team was awesome, supportive and helped to make me feel sassy and awesome for the video taping.  Liz let me wear her sassy hat, Paulette gave me some shimmery eye makeup and we went in to record dressed in a sea of teal and black.

Our third session of the day?  Hip to Strip.  Talk about a well timed class.

I was still feeling very insecure and scared of people pointing and laughing ... especially considering the topic of the class.

It wound up being the best thing ever.

Firstly, the presenter, Ann Saldi, was all about empowerment and how the most important thing someone can sport is confidence.  She talked about sexy doesn't have an age, a weight, a color or creed and I felt that message to my very core.

Then I danced.  I danced harder than I thought I could.  I let myself feel sexy and flirty and playful.  My hands tossed my hair and rubbed my thighs, smacked my booty and reached for an invisible man to come and get me.

I stopped being so nervous about the size of my thighs and thought about how powerful they were and how I could use them to press up from the floor in a way I couldn't have just a year ago.  I thought about the balance and control it took to hold my body in some of the more controlled movements and how hard I've worked to get there and then I remembered something important.

I was at the convention to celebrate fitness and fun with my Zumba family.  I could not and would not let a handful of plastic girls take away from me what I was experiencing.  Then I danced even harder.

And there were folks in that room that were giving me a ton of positive feedback.  There were two ladies near me that asked "How did you DO that?" and it wasn't about my weight, it was about how I got my incredibly bouncy hair to flip in just that way.  Sarah said I had a bit of a fan club in the back of the room where she was taking a break.  People were loving what I was bringing to the class... because it was real.  

By the end of the session I was 110% wiped out but I walked out of that session with a renewed swagger and confidence. 

And the Zumba love continued.

Sunday when we were saying our goodbyes to old friends we'd just met, one of them pulled me aside and said "I heard you had a rough time yesterday and I wanted you to know how impressed I am with your dancing and your positive spirit."  She told me how glad she was to have met me and how lucky she felt to have had me in her choreography group.  Several other people echoed that sentiment in that last day or so as we parted ways.  How much they loved my openness and positivity and the joy and excitement I brought to everything. While standing in the hallway someone stopped me and said she loved watching me dance in the Flamenco session we'd shared earlier in the week. That shocked me.  That session was Friday morning... this was Sunday afternoon.  Obviously I made an impression on her.

Those were the people who mattered... the ones who saw past my waist size and saw me for me.

It's still a hard fought battle but those moments, those conversation, those lessons are the ones that I will carry with me most from convention.  Every time I put on my sassy teal blue pants or my nearly see through purple top and teach a sassy Burlesque song or a hard hitting Reggaeton routine I'll remember the Hard Knox Crew, my room mates, the awesome students in my Hip to Strip, Reggaeton, Brazilian, Flamenco and Belly Dance classes and the droves of kind and generous people I met milling about at the convention center or the various parties. 

So much joy...

So this is a thing that ACTUALLY happened....

Matt, Sarah, Gina, Me, Tanya, MaryAnna

Friday I took a vacation day and prepped for going to Virginia for the Gina & Tanya Rock the Stage tour.  A 90 minute master class with two of the most amazing Zumba instructors possible. It was truly an AMAZING experience.

Let's rewind and take a look at the silliness of the day.  In the early afternoon I picked up Matt and we met Sarah and MaryAnna at the Cracker Barrel to head on to Richmond.  We listened to too many show tunes on the car ride and generally laughed our tails off.  We checked in to the hotel, got changed, and headed out to find food before the class.

We MAY have scared the waiter at TGI Friday.

MaryAnna likes to color.

Sarah's a helper!

Matt looks on, disapprovingly.

All between the lines and everything!

 After a very silly meal, we went on to the master class location.

So happy!

The energy in the place was out of this world.  I mean, what do you expect when you get a room full of Zumba fanatics in one place? What happens when you then play the Electric Slide? Or the Wobble?

Wobblin' during the pre-party.

Of course, we had to contend with Sarah's booty taking up all the room.  She and Nyeema apparently can't converse unless their booties are popped.

Too much booty.

We, of course, had to take the necessary self taken group photo.

Three headed Zumba monster!

Matt, getting silly!

Then it was time to rock.  And rock we did... 90 minutes of utterly amazing music, dancing and fun.

From the second they got on stage they OWNED the crowd.

Tanya looks at the crowd intently, looking for folks to drag up on stage.

The energy was just off the charts and they are twice as beautiful in person.  I hardly thought that was possible.  Look at that hair!!

Really?  How perfect do they look.  They make it all look effortless.

After the class was over we were psyched to hear they would be doing photos with folks afterwards.  I was on cloud 9 from getting to dance with them... but getting to meet them?  Shut the front door!

We waited in line, chatted with folks and I got to meet the awesome ZJ from Colorado - Dorie.  She's so awesome and I'm sad I missed the Jam session with her.  Sarah was teasing me about meeting my Zumba soulmate.

My Zumba dream?  To be a Jammer and get to share my choreography with other ZINs.  That's a long way away.

PLUS Dorie is a New Yorker, a Brooklyn girl!!, teaches Hustle and is a Chalene Johnson fan.  I was drawn to her immediately. She gave off such good energy and was a joy to talk to. Yeah... I totally have a new girl crush.

Then things got REAL. We got to take pictures with Tanya and Gina and talk to them for just a moment.  I said something to Tanya thanking her for helping to bring Zumba to us and that because of them I'd lost 180 pounds.  She shook my hand, congratulated me and said "...remember YOU did it."  I was a bit choked up.

Then Sarah comes up to me teary eyed.  Gina and Tanya had both called her beautiful.  Sarah hugged me and said something along the lines of "I look and feel this way because of the gift they've given us with Zumba.  Think about all the people we're helping to reach those goals.  All those women we're helping to feel good about themselves no matter what."  Yeah, we had a crying moment in the parking lot.

It was so much more than we expected the night to be.  I would honestly have paid three times what we did for that experience. 

Every time we go to a big Zumba event like this I am moved by the sheer love and community that has been built around Zumba.  People are kind, considerate, loving and sharing.

With the anxiety problems I deal with on a daily basis I have to psyche myself up for these types of things but I am always pleasantly surprised at the end of the day.  It's very rare that anyone makes me feel like the odd man out and I know most of that fear is in my head.  I'm always scared that people are going to think that I'm the fat friend along with the instructor.

I've had one or two people say catty things to me like "You do know this is for Instructors only, right?" before a Jam session. Those moments are so few and far between that it's getting easier to talk myself in to going to stuff like this. 

It's getting easier... some day I won't even think twice!

The week that sucked and yet didn't suck.

So let's start with the most important thing - I was in a car accident that caused the very noble death of my dear 1993 Oldsmobile 98.  Onslow the Oldsmobile died protecting me in a 5 car collision on I-440 in Raleigh.  I was coming home from a large meeting and a combination of rain, congestion and bad luck caused the accident and I'm just lucky I walked away from it.  I've got a sore shoulder and a handful of small bruises from my seat belt. 

What's left of my poor,  beloved, steed.

I had a major panic attack when I saw this for the first time in daylight the day after the accident.  The fact that i wasn't injured more than I was is... unbelievable. I was touched by an angel.

I probably won't be saying that in a few weeks once the bills start rolling in from the driver I hit. Plus there's that nasty business in that I need to get another car for myself.  So stressed about the whole thing.

Aside from the emotional wreckage left behind by feeling that I probably should have died this week really has been pretty good.

My big presentation at work went really well.  I've gotten a TON accomplished. 

Zumba has been AMAZING this week.  We finally added Toning in to our rotation and our first class was Thursday night.  It was SO AWESOME.

I also taught my first class at a new gym on Thursday night and that was fantastic as well. 

I'm really feeling strong and proud of where I am and what I'm accomplishing, personally and professionally.
I'm starting to put more effort in to my BeachBody business and the challenge groups I'm developing.  I'm really excited to see the changes in my team members.

Tomorrow is a Zumba marathon.  Class from 9:30-10:30, Toning from 10:30-11, and a Zumbathon from 2-5. I can't wait!

I'm also stoked for weigh in this week.  Ready to see the weight drop closer to the 300 mark! I know I can do it this month! 

My safety bubble? Consider that burst!

My year of living dangerously? Here we go.

I registered today for the Zumba Instructor Conference in Miami in August. I wasn't going to register.  I kept balking on the money side of things but the truth is... I was scared to death of going.

Why?  Because I still fight EVERY. SINGLE. CLASS. with feeling like the fat instructor.

I say that and it sounds like I'm whining... but it is a real issue for me.  I'm highly insecure in my own skin sometimes.  I know once I'm in front of a room of folks I get in to my groove and own it but there are times when the thought of getting in front of that room makes me want to cry.

I'm committed and I keep going back but there are days when I feel like I should just hide in the back of the room.

Thursday night I got to class late and I walked in to a room with 70+ students and I froze for half a second.  So many new students.  I felt like they were all wishing I was any other instructor.  When I got up there though I put my game face on and worked them out and it was one of the hottest classes I've ever taught solo.

So if I feel like that in a class in the studio where I work how am I going to survive a room full of highly trained fitness professionals?  I even have minor panic attacks at big master classes... now this?

It's going to be rough but I know it's going to be worth the stock I'll need in Xanax to get in to the groove.

I'm psyched because I get to bring back AMAZING tips, tools and moves from the best of the best. I can't wait to up my game and bring even more of a workout to the Wilson Zumba family!

Classes I'm taking?

• Hip-notic Belly Dancing
• Flamenco Fever
• Master Class with Beto
• Miami Party
• Colombian Connection
• Hip to Strip
• Reggaeton Rebellion
• Zumba® Brazilian Carnival 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The awesome hurts.  My body aches just thinking about it. I can't wait.

Other things outside of my comfort zone on the schedule?

Wilson Women's Club 5k - May
TurboKick Certification - Summer?
FitBloggin'12 - September
Run for your Life - October

Not to mention the new tasks I take on at work every day that push my boundaries.

I love it.

I turn 30 in October.  Going to be a whole new me by then!

My bubble?  Consider it popped and I'm loving the freedom already.

Be it ever so humble...

So today was the day! I moved from my office back to my cube.  I am very mixed on this because while it means things are returning to normal it just feels sad.

I don't want the temp team to go.  I've loved working with all of them and it sucks that we weren't able to find spots for everyone. 

On a superficial and selfish note - I'm also going to miss having a view (the permanent location has like zero windows) and having a door to close when I was feeling grumpy.

I'll miss you, windows!

On the plus side it means being back with my team and not having to do trouble shooting and brain picking by IM and email.  I missed the face to face interaction with my teammates.  Very excited to get back to that!

Life is going by pretty quickly at this point.  I've been so focused on getting my ducks in a row for 2012 that I feel like I'm missing the last days of 2011 completely.  My days are sleep, work, Zumba, Turbo Jam/Kick, Zumba planning, food planning, eating, sleep and repeat.  Doesn't leave a lot of time to appreciate the little stuff.

It's kind of a weird feeling because I don't honestly remember a time when my life was this busy that I didn't feel overwhelmed.  I think that's a good thing.  A good sign!  I've had some minor upticks in my anxiety in the last few months but, on a daily level, I don't feel like the world is going to end if I forget to send an email or check on a file.  Progress!

I'm also totally obsessed with my BodyBugg.  I'm trying very hard not to geek out about it too hard but it is such a cool tool.  I burned 1500 calories on Monday night during my 75 minute Zumba class and 1200 last night during my 60 minute class.  I'm burning 300-400 calories during the 20 minute Turbo Jam workouts.  Tonight will be my first time wearing it to Turbo Kick and since I can be more high impact at the gym than I can at home it'll be interesting to see what kind of burn we're talking about. 

It really is like a fitness video game.  Being able to pick up my phone, sync it, and go "Oh! I only walked that much!" gives me the drive to walk more, move more.  It's also interesting to see how crazy active I am in my sleep.  It's amusing to see the spike in my sleep pattern when I'm fighting with Marshall for the blankets.  It's a nifty gadget.

Rest. Recover. Reflect.

Last night was rough.  Even after the panic subsided I felt gross.  Depressed. Sad. Scared. Guilty.

Guilty.  It's weird that I felt so guilty for having feelings.  Emotions are not rational and we often cannot control how we feel.  We just feel things.  I felt like my panic attack hurt everyone around me.  That I disappointed them by freaking out the way I did.  I always feel like people think less of me after an attack like that.  Above all - I feel guilty that the whole thing ever happening.

Regardless of how terrible I felt I got up this morning.  I showered.  I got dressed.  I went grocery shopping.  I did laundry.  I made a giant pot of turkey stew for a team thanksgiving feast tomorrow.  I watched football and I kept going.  The world doesn't end because of one day.

I realized this morning just how lucky I am to have the support system that I do.  Not only did I find someone to cover my Zumba class this afternoon but I had another offer to cover it for me if that fell through.

I woke up to caring and concerned messages - text, email, facebook, voicemail - from people who went out of their way to let me know they were thinking of me.  I felt momentarily bad for worrying people... and then I felt loved.  I'm lucky that I have that many people who care about me. 

Today I am doing chores around the house but am trying to be as still as possible.  Resting my body and my mind as much as I humanly can.

For me the worst part about a panic attack like I had last night is how drained and exhausted I feel the day afterwards.  I often talk about the panic hangover and it's a pretty apt description.  I know some of the muscle soreness is a result of the 5 hours of Zumba yesterday but a lot of it, the upper back and body stuff especially, are from the tension from the panic attack.  The headache, the lack of appetite, the aversion to the sight or smell of most food - all of that is typical for me the day after a panic attack.

I also took the big step of asking a friend who she sees about her anxiety.  Tomorrow I'm going to call Dr. Awesome and see if I can get in to see him.  I've been on Zoloft for my mild depression and anxiety since college.  I went off it for a short time after college until I got a real job and that was miserable.  What was even worse was the short period of time I tried Cymbalta. That was evil, evil stuff.

Still, I think it might be time to do some talk therapy, even if just short term, and to consider changing up my medication.  I went a few years without a major panic attack and yesterday was my second one in just a few months.  I also had a smaller panic attack within the last few weeks.  That's the start of a trend and not one I'm okay with.  So off to the doctor for me. 

Now just to get back on board with life.  One day at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  I've got a weird week ahead of me.  Work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. Thanksgiving tucked in there to break up the weekly flow.   Zumba tomorrow and Tuesday and then not again until the next Monday!

I'm really looking forward to the 5 day break from Zumba.  Even though I KNOW I'll spend time over those 5 days learning new routines it'll be nice to not be on such a tight schedule.

Other than finishing laundry the only thing I have to do today is record a quick dance video with Matt and Katie.  Then I'm making myself a steak and veggie stir-fry and curling up with a book till sleepy time.  Rest. Recover. Reflect.  The three R's of my Sunday... not a bad way to spend the day.

The inevitable crash.

I crashed hard today.  Hard.  There is so much going on, so many balls in the air, and today they finally came crashing down.

The crash was a result of low blood sugar, bad news, and just sheer exhaustion. 

The morning started out AMAZING.  We had a super energetic, exciting and fun Zumba class at 9:30 this morning.  It was, by far, the best Saturday morning class in a long time.  It felt more like a Friday night at the club than Saturday morning at the studio.

Directly after class Sarah and I drove off to Greenville for lunch (SUSHI!!!) followed by a master class and ZIN jam session.  That's 4 hours of Zumba and made for 5 hours total for the day.  And they were amazing hours, all 5 of them!  A tun of fun was bad by everyone and I felt tired but on top of the world. 

In the car on the way home I started to feel gross.  Marshall texted me and gave me some upsetting news about a death of a friend and annoyed me by being kind of thoughtless.  I was grumpy and starting to really feel the weight of the day.  Sitting still in the car for another hour I started to cramp up a bit more and was not so happy.

When I got back in to town all I wanted was something for dinner that involved chicken and vegetables.  My house guests had other plans and I was annoyed by that too.  I should have been grateful that someone cooked me dinner but I was more going BLAH red meat.

Then I was about to say Eff everything and was going to grab a quesadilla on the way home - whole grain tortilla, chicken, extra vegetables, lots of cheese.  I stopped by Moe's and the line was out the door and I got even more grumpy. 

Little things just kept making me feel like everything was ruined and nothing would ever be okay again.  I finally just came home, resigned to eating food I didn't want but it was there.

I got in the shower to get rid of the gunk from 5 hours of cardio and in the shower I just broke down.  It was the hottest shower I've ever taken and I showered until the water just ran cold.  Wrapped in my robe I curled up on the bed and just the tears come. 

I know I wasn't crying because of anything that happened today but it was the culmination of two weeks running on all cylinders without a break.

I'm hoping that the instructor I asked to cover my class tomorrow is available.  She said she thought she was but would let me know for sure.  I would really love to have most of the afternoon off to just relax.  We just have to record Katie's dance project tomorrow and I need to make a pot of turkey stew.  If that's all that's asked me of tomorrow that'll be the best.

If I have to teach it's no big deal but I'd really like to veg.

Feel the Burn(out)

The last few weeks have been utterly exhausting.  This week especially so!

Physically demanding

Today was my 19th consecutive day doing Zumba.  The last day I didn't work out was October 30th.  In those 19 days I've taught/co-taught/participated in 25 classes.  That's over 25 hours (there were a few 75 minute classes tucked in there) of cardio in the last 19 days.

Tomorrow I have my normal Saturday morning class and then a master class and Jam session.  That's 5 hours of Zumba tomorrow.  Then class on Sunday and Monday (both of which I'm teaching solo) and then two classes on Tuesday and then I have a 4 day break.  FINALLY. 

My body is in agony and some of it is not so delicious anymore. My calves are rock hard and achy all the time. Oh and my shoulders, chest, and abs hate me right now.

At the same time - that hour or more of Zumba has been my solace on more than a few days with everything else that's going on.

Mentally taxing


This week I've been involved in multiple meetings that were very in-depth and required me to push my problem solving skills. The follow up work from the meetings have been piling up and piling up and it has been a big weight on my shoulders. 

Today was the first time this week I was in my own office for an entire day this week.  I spent half of it just following up on emails.  I still have phone calls to return on Monday and more meetings to schedule.  So much stuff!

I'm grateful that I have the flexibility to bring work home and work on my own schedule.  If that weren't the case I'd be at the office every night till 7 or 8 for the next week or so getting everything back in order.  Maybe it'll all fall in to place quickly but there's a lot to do.

Emotionally draining

It hasn't been a particularly good time to be working in the financial industry.  Fears about lay offs, staffing issues with temp labor, all scary stuff.  It's been scary and I know I've been hiding in Zumba and sweating out my stress but my brain is constantly going round and round with all the worst case scenarios.

Plus it's also a weird time of year for me.  I tend to have a hard time adjusting to the shorter days to begin with but it's been especially rough this year.  I've had to start taking more B and D vitamins to help try to keep me even. Even with my anti-depressants and my exercise plan and my normal vitamin regimen I've been overly anxious because of all the other stress.  It's just... draining.

I can honestly say that things are okay now but I am totally, absolutely, 100% ready for a break.  A good, solid, break.  I am going to lounge, read books and watch movies as much as possible Wednesday night, Thursday and all day Saturday and Sunday.  I wish I had snagged the day off on Friday but at least I know it'll be a semi-quiet day and a good chance to catch up on whatever work I'm behind on in peace and quiet. 

On the weight loss front I actually showed several days of weigh ins under 330 pounds in the last 2 weeks.  I'm going to be doing my official weigh in and measurements on the 21st.  We'll see if the scale is nice to me then!

What an awesome day!

So my day started out with a dark cloud of my head.  The staff meeting. 

Wound up being much ado about nothing as, aside from some added responsibilities, the changes didn't really wind up impacting my direct team too much.  Huge weight off my shoulders.

Work was actually, all around, good today.  Got a lot accomplished and I really feel like I'm getting in to a groove with all of my tasks.  I thank Chalene Johnson for that!  My CCDM is getting a workout!

After work I went out to teach the first Zumba class at a brand new location.  As I mentioned in my last post, I was a nervous wreck.  This is the first place I've taught Zumba where there wasn't an established class, an established class base.  It's all up to me to make it work. 

I didn't want to let the students down.  I didn't want to let my Zumba family down.  I didn't want to fail.

I walked in there quivering inside but trying to be cool, calm and collected on the outside. Matt was at my side.  Jennifer came to be supportive. There are three ladies who come to class in Wilson who live out that way were there.  I had friendly faces and a built in support system.  Awesome!

Realization when I got there - no mirrors.  Quick mental check, no "Dance, Dance, Dance" which I have yet to master teaching facing the class.   A few mental adjustments and a mini-freakout later I'm ready to start class.

I did my little spiel about modifications, having a good time off we went.

Class went awesomely.  People were having a good time laughing and doing their own thing when they got completely lost.  I had to do a bit more verbal cuing then I'm used to since all but 5 of the people there were completely new to Zumba but that was kind of awesome too!

I had taken for granted people know the basic moves and it was a nice refresher for me to have to slow down and think on the cumbia, merengue, salsa, cha-cha and reggaeton moves.  I know I was more aware of my body and I can feel that my muscles really appreciated the way that I held it tonight.  I may have sacrificed some style for form but I think that was a good thing.


There were a few missteps from my reliance on mirrors but, all in all, people enjoyed themselves and that was really what mattered. 


And really... 16 people for a first time ever class is pretty awesome! The folks at the Academy did an amazing job with advertising and word of mouth and I appreciate that more than words can say!


Also a plus?  I sold 4 hip scarves so at least 4 of the 11 people who'd never been before intend on coming back!


Today was a fantastic day and I'm feeling good all over.  Now to sleep as the next two days are going to be a whirlwind!

Anxiety as a coping mechanism?

A quick thought for the evening.

I have been anxious and nervous all weekend about my first solo class at a new/non-established location tomorrow.  But, well, here's what just happened.

Going about my evening being anxious and overly cautious about being ready for tomorrow night.  Cleaning up the bedroom, putting my gym bag back in order with all the necessities for tomorrows class. Wondering what to pack for lunch tomorrow. *twitch*

Monday.
Tomorrow.
The staff meeting day. 
The SCARY staff meeting day.
The everything could change staff meeting day. 

Holy. Crapballs. My mind is BLOWN.

I've been so busy worrying about Zumba class that I forgot to be worried about the my whole job might change after tomorrow thing. 

I mean, I guess it's good that I focused on the stuff I can fix, change, or keep from going badly but OUCH does it hurt when the real anxiety pops it's head up.

I know there's nothing I can do about it.  The die has already been cast.  It's out of my hands.  Enter platitudes here.

It's still scary but it'll be over and out in the open tomorrow somewhere around noon. 

All this changes is that I don't have to worry about packing lunch tomorrow.  Just need to worry about healthy snacks and my bottles of magic blue water and a small stash of Xanax in my purse just in case the worst case is the actual case.

I'm about to get in to bed, snuggle up with uncle Ambien and hopefully get some solid sleep.  Before I head to the gallows.

How about people out there in the internet wild - 

1. Have you ever coped with a major stressor by focusing on a smaller  more easily controlled stressor?  
2. What are some of the weirdest ways you've dealt with stress?

Zumba therapy and a simply dreadful day.

That's how I would classify my day.  Simply Dreadful.

A vague idea of how my day went can be found in this fantastic children's book.

My day started out okay for once.  I woke up early and got my shower.  I was on track to leave for work early.  I was ready to take on the world.  And then I got to the office. 

Computer issues.  Staffing issues. A staff meeting I forgot all about.  The staff meeting was less than happy. A sad afternoon. A very slow end to the day and nothing wanted to go my way.

If it weren't for Zumba I don't think I would have survived the day.  I just kept plugging on knowing that I was that much closer to turning my mind off and getting my shimmy on.

When I made the playlist I went hard core.  High intensity and leg intensive.  I wanted to sweat and I wanted to sweat HARD.

Not a great example of the of 70% Latin/International to 30% other split that we aim for but we can't be perfect all the time.

I wanted a fun, exciting, workout that would make me feel rubbery in the knees and this was it.  And the students loved it! It's kind of nice to step out of the box and do a set that tossed the rules out and just flowed.

We're working on some new songs with the core rhythms that will bring some life back to that side of things as we start rotating them in.  This week I'm adding a Japanese pop song and a new reggeaton.  Then I have a new cumbia, merengue and a cha cha to fold in! I've been a busy girl!

When I got to class and got my booty bling on and got in front of that class my brain flipped its switch and I was in a very good place! The music thumped and I bounced and I cheered and I got chatty with the ladies and gents in class.  It felt good.

I focused on my body.  My legs felt tight when I started and they woke up and warmed up and I started to moving more freely. I felt the tension in my back start to relax. I let the music free me and I felt better.

I pushed my body to the limits.  My quads and hamstrings and calves were killing me.  They ached and felt weak and I willed them to keep going.  My shoulder muscles and my abs got sore and tired and I felt the strain of holding good form.

I felt all the grossness of the day seeping out of me as I felt my body being drenched in sweat.

I felt like I exorcised the bad day away while I exercised my mind.

I left class laughing and smiling and joking with my students and my co-instructor.

I know I have to face the fallout from today when I go in to the office tomorrow but I know as long as I have a place to go and turn off my brain and give my body the release it needs that I'm going to be okay.  I'll even be good! Maybe even AWESOME.  I just need to take it one day and one class at a time.

Hip Hop Hustle and Zumba Toning Breakdown

And I mean that both literally and figuratively.

This weekend was amazing and awesome and I wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world.  Still... I can't believe I broke down the way I did during my practical for Hip Hop Hustle. 

Let's start from the top though.  S and I had a little trouble getting on the go and were on schedule to make it there just on time but we got a little confused finding the place and got there a few minutes late.  The lecture stuff was cool and I learned a lot and not just about Hustle but about fitness in general. The master class section of the day kicked total tail.  I love HHH 17 and The Show segment just fricken rocks! The afternoon flew by and before I knew it... test time.  I knew I had the written part down.  They basically told us the answers.  The practical? Let's just say I had a melt down of epic proportions.

As I said in my The Plus Size Stigma I fight with myself daily about being 330 pounds and a fitness instructor.  People judge me.  I feel judged.  I do it because I love it though and that's really all that matters.  If I get a good workout and everyone with me gets a good workout then everyone wins.

However... I really kind of needed my Xanax to survive Saturday.  I got called in the first group for my practical and I was nervous and I was in a line with 4 beautiful women who were tiny, pretty, and one was quite possibly the best dancer I've ever been in the same room with.  I did fine on the first few moves, rocked them out, smile on my face, having a good time.  Then came a move I couldn't NOT jump/bounce on.

I've got an ovarian cyst that doesn't want to go away and it's putting pressure on my hip.  The doctor cleared me for this weekend but said little to no jumping because, basically, if I do something wrong and it ruptures the cyst and I'm in the air things would end badly for everyone.

I went for it though.  Pain.  Every single move.  The world started to eat me alive.  I felt like crawling in to a hole and dying.  I kept going.  I faked a bigger smile and put more attitude in to it.  When it was over I walked back to do my written test trying not to puke or cry or both.  It was horrible.  S tells me I kicked the practicals tail and I shouldn't worry about passing but I'm sure I'm "in training" the more I think about. 

I survived though.  Didn't take a Xanax even though I wanted to and probably should have.  When I got home I showered and changed and then went to a wedding reception and danced the night away.  I even pulled out some of the moves from HHH class on the dance floor.  Success!

This morning S and I left even earlier for Zumba Toning.  We were frightened.  Basic 1 was a tough day. Very tough.  Toning was hard but there was a lot more lecture to the class than I expected.  She still kicked our tail with the master toning class and the drills in the afternoon got to be really hard focusing on the same muscle groups to learn different ways to incorporate moves into the choreography.

I don't know just how bad tomorrow morning is going to feel but I doubt I will be feeling all that wonderful.  I'm already sore from head to toe!

This weekend was a good growth experience for me.  I survived a pretty massive panic attack without Xanax.  I held my own ground against dancers and fitness professionals who are more fit and more experienced than I am.  I learned a lot about the human body, about how we work and about how to use the tools I have to sculpt my body into what I want it to be.