Sunday, May 6, 2012

Ego Check

Over the last few months I've had to consistently step back and just marvel over where I am and what is going on in my life. 

I've spent years of my life hiding, not wanting to be seen for fear of people judging me on how I look.  As I got in to Zumba that changed but I still fight with that anxiety on a daily basis.  It's hard to let go of all of that stress and fear.

Things are changing for me though.  I find myself craving the lime light and the attention.  I've done Zumbathons and Zumba demos and I teach 10-12 classes a week and I'm always in front, on fire, and partying my tush off.

And people like it. They like me.  Yet, I'm still having a hard time reconciling that with how I feel deep down inside of me. 

I know that I do a lot of self defeating talk sometimes and that makes me my own worst enemy but I have gotten better about it.  I'm slowly getting rid of the negative self talk and replacing it with positive self talk.  I'm trying to work on my self esteem from the inside out.

So why is it so hard for me to believe that people love me and what I bring to the Zumba classroom?  Over the last few weeks I've had people tell me the same things over and over again.

You rock! You're the best instructor ever! You kick my tail every single class! Your choreography is the best! You can shake it better than anyone! I wish I could move like you! You're so flexible! You're an amazing dancer!

And I am flabbergasted every. single. time.  It's hard for me to see myself the way that they see me.   I feel like I have to downplay those things all the time and brush it off.  (Oh, I was a dancer when I was kid, I used to do a lot of yoga, it's the Zumba formula that kicks your butt, not me.)

Maybe it's time for me to own some of that though.  I've been holding back on recording my self choreographed routines because I don't believe that they're good enough to share or that people are going to laugh at me for it.  I still think of myself as a backup more than an instructor in my own right sometimes.  I have to talk myself in to new teaching opportunities because I think the folks in a new place will look at me and laugh. 

However, the people I trust and are closest to me have been telling me how good of a choreographer I am and I trust them... so I'm going to try to get some time at the studio with folks to record videos. 

People I trust and respect are always telling me how good my classes are and that they wish I taught more at this place or that.  So I owe it to them to try and get out there more and stop hiding as a second banana instructor.

I guess I just need to own my power.  I will always strive to be humble but I think it's time to be a little more secure in what I'm doing and own the fact that I'm sexy and I know it. It's a mental hurdle to over come and it won't be easy but I need to start enjoying the lime light and the attention.

2 comments:

  1. I know EXACTLY how you feel. You want to know something someone told me?

    "My wish for you is that you see yourself through my eyes"

    And i say that to you my friend....

    You are nothing short of amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Man. I love you more and more all the time, dear Sam.

    ReplyDelete

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