So this is a thing now...

I own a bathing suit.  An actual bathing suit.  I haven't owned one since college.

I have legs and a back and everything! Look at that! I know the socks don't work but my toes were cold so I didn't take them off.

Here's the thing - even in college at an all women's college I didn't want to be seen in my bathing suit.  I didn't want my classmates to judge me.  I would go swimming with my roommate and best college friend but that was about it.  I took a water aerobics class and was over joyed when I was informed that I had mono and couldn't play water polo as it gave me an out from class half of the time.

I hated that much of my blobby body being seen by anyone.  I felt like Shamu and had been called all sorts of horrible names by people every time I wore a bathing suit so I stopped for the longest time.

Well, I now have a reason to be back in a bathing suit.  Several reasons, actually.

Firstly, I just want to go to the pool and play with my friends.  I want to sit next to the pool and feel the sun on my skin and then jump in to the cool water and relax.  I've never wanted that before now but... it's a thing now.  I want to relax in the sun!

Secondly, the Zumba Convention.  I want to be able to put on a bathing suit and lounge in the pool in between and or after a long day of Zumba-ing.  I want to be able to take an Aqua Zumba class or just hang out with the other instructors and bond poolside.  It's in freaking Orlando - I better be in a bathing suit at some point.  I think it's required by law.

Thirdly, because I wanted to face that fear.  I want to be seen, damnit.  You see how white I am?  That's because my skin never sees the light of day.  Okay, so, I burn at the thought of sun, but I'd like to think that MAYBE not wearing long pants and tshirts through the summer might get me past the nearly translucent skin stage.

It's happened.  It's a thing now.  I own a bathing suit.  I may buy a second one.  A girl likes to have options, you know?

Accentuate the positive...

With all the shit that has rolled down hill on top of me lately, I feel like I need to try to focus on that awesome things that have been coming my way. 

All things Zumba - Zumba has been my life line through all the bad that's going on.  My Zumba family has been amazingly supportive and loving to me in my time of crisis.  I've been feeling more powerful and strong and stable because of my newly acquired family.

I've also gained two amazing Zumba family members! Sue and Sarah and I have become an unstoppable Zumba force! And I love that we have each other to not only Zumba with but as friends and sisters in Zumba.  We've got big things coming to the Wilson Zumba scene.  Sarah and Sue have started lunch time classes.  Sue and I are teaching a Zumba/Zumba Gold class together.  All three of us are working together on some big events and it's a really exciting time. 

I recently added a new class to my solo class out at the senior center in a neighboring area.  I'm feeling confident in my ability as an instructor and that's huge.  

This past Monday was my 1 year Zumba birthday.  I've been an instructor for a year! A whole year! That's AMAZING.  I wasn't sure about getting my license because I wasn't sure I was going to use it.  One of the best decisions I've made in a very long time. 

In July I'm taking the Zumba Basic 2 license class and I'm giddy like a school girl about it!  Then a week and a half later is the Zumba Instructor Convention in Orlando.  4 days and 20 hours of Zumba.  I can't wait!

My job - I recently got a promotion and have taken on some very cool new projects.  It's really satisfying to have a job that I enjoy and am challenged by on a daily basis.  I'm truly grateful for the chance to go to work every day right now. 

I've been reading a whole lot lately.  I'm in the middle of New Rules of Lifting for Women and Eat That Frog right now.  Personal growth and more ammunition to add to my healthy living and organizational fire.

With all the stress and awful and grief right now I'm trying to focus on the good and work on me.

And now for some tragic levity ... my inappropriate emotional response of the week.

On Thursday night I taught my first class of the night but I had made my playlist on the fly and it was short so we did the Electric Slide at the end of class as part of cool down to stretch the class out.  I started thinking about my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary and doing the electric slide with my cousin Megan and dancing like a fool there.  I made it through the end of class and then started bawling like a baby in the car on my way to my second class.  I felt like such an idiot.  It's weird how things hit you in the weirdest way.  The good memories are the important ones, right?

When it rains...

The last two weeks have been a roller coaster ride with more lows than highs.  I am trying to figure out what to say without making some problems sound more grandiose then they are and still not sound like an ungrateful bitch.  There's a fine line there based on the troubles of the last few weeks.

First, my car drama.  I swear, I have the WORST luck when it comes to cars.  It's unreal how quickly I can go from a perfectly fine car to a dead car.  Case in point -  last Monday I was on my way to Raleigh to court for the ticket from the accident in April and my car was perfectly fine one second and dead on the side of the road the next. 

No warning lights, no smoke, no noises, NOTHING.  Just DEAD.  Got it towed, dealt with the ticket, come back and find out my motor is toast.  It has ceased to be. The quote for a new motor? $4,900.  So 70$ for the inspection and 250$ for towing later I get my car to a shop I trust I find out my oil pump died and took my motor with it.  I got my car back today at a steal of only $2,800 for the repairs. 

A week without my car sucked and I had to strand Marshall here at the house with no transportation and he was very helpful but not happy about the whole thing. 

Then to add to the not happy Marshall boat - I got in to a minor fender bender with his van as well.  That's right.  I was driving his van while mine was getting fixed and I straight up backed in to another car in a parking lot on Friday. 

What the CRAP. She wasn't there and then she was.  I swear she had turned in to a parking space.  I don't know if she backed up or what but I tapped the back of her rear wheel well.  Barely a scratch, I think more dirt than damage given how long it'd been since Marsh washed the van, but she was totally vile to me and made me file it with insurance. 

So cars have been the bane of my existence in the last two weeks.  I don't want to drive anywhere or be in a car with anyone.  I'm getting overly anxious at the thought of long car trips.  Not cool.  I used to LOVE driving but now it's something I truly dread. 

Then there's the real reason I'm sad and depressed right now.  My grandmother passed away yesterday at the ripe of old age of 94. 

My grandmother was one of my earliest idols in life.  She was kind, generous, an amazing cook and the type of person who could light up a room just by smiling.  When she moved to Washington state when I was a freshman in high school I was inconsolable.  I hated being that far away from her and in the last few years it's been hard for me to talk to her because I hated watching her slip away.  I loved her so much and she will always be, in my mind, the poker and bingo shark who couldn't believe that Marshall wasn't Jewish. 

I'm having a really hard time dealing with because I know I can't drop everything and fly across the country to say goodbye properly right now.  I'm hurting because I can't help my mother go out there and say goodbye to her as well.  I hate being so disconnected from my family and I hate that I don't have a way to fix that right now. 

I feel like a total negative nellie right now but I have another post coming about some really awesome things that have happened over the last two weeks that I just don't have the energy to write about right now.

Just know that I'm out here, I'm kicking and I'm doing my best to tackle each day as if it's a brand new and exciting challenge for me to conquer. 

Good things are a-coming...

And they are coming quickly! But! They're not coming without a few bumps in the road.

Like last week - it was the week of bad food choices.  I am an openly admitted carb-a-aholic.  Bread, pasta, potatoes, carb heavy vegetables... I love them all and sometimes it's difficult for me to back off the carbohydrates and keep my diet balanced. Last week was a prime example of this. 

Why?  Because Paul's Italian Bistro exists.  I actually did okay early in the week, I ate more than my fair share of sweet delicious fruit and was overdosed on delicious natural sugars but I was keeping my carb intake to less than 50% of my calories.  Then Thursday happened... Paul's has a dish that is cheese tortellini in alfredo sauce.  I added chicken to mine.  I ATE THE WHOLE PLATE.  Plus bread.

Then Friday, I had pizza for lunch because we brought it in for a working lunch.  Even though I ate thin crust pizza, my carb intake got close to 70% of my calories on Friday.

Needless to say - I felt like a blimp by Saturday morning.

It's so hard for me to recover from a carbohydrate binge. I know exactly what happens when I eat like this and yet... it happens. 

I understand that with as much cardio as I do, I need the carbohydrates for the easily used energy source but I really have to be extra careful not to let that percentage creep up.  There was a time a few years ago when it was not uncommon for my breakdown to be 70% carbs, 15% protein, 15% fat. THIS IS WHY I'M FAT!

I've been doing so much better but then, two steps back.  I know that it's ok to go "off plan" every now and then and that balance is the key... but I hate seeing the numbers creep up in that way.  I'm scared of that being the norm again. 

Yes, I know that this is bordering on the obsessive but... I need to control my eating if I'm going to reach my goals.  It's just how it works.  It's a numbers game and I'm getting on front of the numbers.

Speaking of numbers -  still managed a loss this week -.5.  Sitting at 297.2. Long as I stay away from seeing 300 ever again I'm happy.  I'll be happier when I tell 200 to go away too!