Giving Thanks

I've been participating in a month of thanks a long with many other people on twitter and facebook and I feel  the need to continue the trend here.  And not JUST because that's one of the NHBPM prompts, things need to be said.

To the health and fitness blogging community at large - Thank you for lifting me on the days when the world seems darkest.

Days like today, when the whole world is centered on food, I find myself feeling lost and scared.  Food shouldn't make anyone feel like that, but it totally does.  And there are people out here in the wilds of cyberspace that totally get it, and get me and the feel the same stress that I was feeling going in to today.

I did it though, I survived, and part of that reason was all the amazing words of support, wisdom and humor from my blogging friends over the last week.  HECK I even survived 7 days of no sweets because of the support from y'all.  Thank you!

Then I want to say a few specific thanks

To Mrs. Fatass - When I met her briefly almost 2 years ago I had no idea that she and I would become such good friends.  I feel totally honored to dance beside her, hang out with her, travel with her, and make an utter fool of ourselves together.  She's kind, open, honest, generous and an absolute hoot to have a drink or two with.  She's become part of my family over the last year... I can't imagine not having her by my side going forward! Trio Fitness happened because she believed we had the power to do it.  She's totally Trio Fitness' baby mama!

We're hot, we know it.

Then there is my Matt - Matt is my best friend, workout buddy, confidant, coworker and all around amazing guy.  Every time I have an idea, formulate a wild plan or evil scheme he's by my side saying LET'S DO THIS! He's held my hand through five 5k races, multiple Zumbathons, master classes and training weekends.  He is forever, my rock.  I don't know that I would be where I am personally or professionally without him by my side.  He's both the angel and the devil on my shoulder and I'd be lost without him. Every girl should have a best friend like Matt.  For serious.

He's so devious... and adorable!

And then there's my Sarah.  Sarah is the other part of Trio Fitness.  The less vocal of the three of us but only because she works so hard at work, school and Zumba that she doesn't have time to speak.  When I took my first Zumba class with her I had no idea that she would become one of my dearest friends.  I totally stalked her at first, I wanted to be her friend, but if I had known what I do know I would have been more aggressive so we could have bonded earlier.  We don't get to coteach as much any more as our schedules have changed and it's gotten harder to coordinate but every time we get together - whether in class or outside of it - good times are always had. She's one of my best friends and I consider her my sister.  We love each other, we get annoyed with each other but LOVE always comes first.

She's also so pretty she makes even me look good!

Today was a success in terms of food.  It could have been far, far worse.

Marshall and I went out to K&W Cafeteria with his folks for Thanksgiving brunch today.  A serving of turkey and stuffing, mashed potatoes, peas, a soft roll and a slice of apple pie started Thanksgiving off right.  I was full, but not overly so, and because I had given up sweets for the 7 days leading up to Thanksgiving the apple pie was almost too sweet from the cinnamon sugar on top of it.  

After brunch had time to settle I started working on dinner and dessert.  I had been slow roasting two turkey roasts in the crock pot since late last night with onion and gravy.  So all I had to do was make the sides to go along with it.  I made mashed sweet potatoes (made with maple syrup which was genius) and sourdough stuffing with extra celery and onions.  Marshall made roasted butternut squash.  Then I heated up some yeast rolls.  

The big cooking event of the day was making pecan pie.  From scratch.  By myself.  With no help. EEk!

I also decided I wanted to add English toffee bits to the pie.  Just because.  In a little bit I'm going to heat it up and eat it with vanilla ice cream and a chocolate covered pecan as garnish.  

Then tomorrow - back on no sweets, basically.  I will allow myself to have a latte once a week but that's it.  I'm also considering a 7 day vacation from breads again.  But not until the Thanksgiving left overs are gone.

I hope everyone out there reading this has had an amazing Thanksgiving and is as filled with love as I am today.  I may be far away from my biological family but I am very blessed to have my chosen family right next to me today.

And tomorrow - Sarah, Sue and I will be dancing together in a Turkey Burn Master Class where we rock Sentao, Toning and Zumba for 90 minutes.  I can't wait!

Am I not important enough?

There are a number of people in my life who keep making snide comments about how Zumba is my life.  That's far from the truth.

It is a huge part of my life:

• It's a hobby. 
• It's exercise. 
• It's a job.  
• It's social interation.  
• It's physical release. 
• It's an emotional safe place.
• It's something I happen to be really fricken good at! 

I know I talk about it a lot but it's one of the important things in my life that I feel comfortable talking about at great length.  I can't talk about a lot of stuff that goes on at work.  Marshall would throttle me if I were to go in to detail about stuff in our relationship.

Plus, Zumba's just FUN and far more interesting than either of the above topics.

So imagine how hurt I felt when I saw the following on my tumblr feed.

This made my blood boil and really made me feel like an awful person.  

I do everything in my power to be supportive of those around me.  I go to historical reenactments and various history related things for Marshall.  I have tried to get in to various yoga, barre, and advanced workouts to do them with Katie to share in her love of them. I played WoW to hang out with Katie. I supported Matt running his first 10K and wound up running my first 5K in the process.  I am willing to go anywhere and do anything with my friends to support them in their interests....

So why is me having something that's my own a bad thing?

Marshall has never once come to a Zumba class or come to support me when I've done a Zumbathon or Zumba demo somewhere. (He actually went to one once, slept in the car the whole time!)  Matt comes to class occasionally.  Katie has come three or four times.  I know it's not for everyone but I expect the same respect for my hobbies as I have for theirs.They don't have to like it but they need to respect it. 


It's been bugging me for a while how many people tell me I need to stop doing Zumba or stop working out because I'm doing it too much.  People who play Minecraft for hours a day. Or WoW. Or run on their elliptical. Or browse the internet. Or watch TV.


All in all Zumba doesn't even take up much time in my day.  1-2 hours most days, sometimes more as I learn new choreography or get ready for big events.  I do have friends from Zumba who I talk about it with a lot - it's a common interest!  And I talk about it a lot on Facebook - that's because I'm having fun with it and I want to share it with people.   Also, it's marketing for it since it's, you know, my other job.


Fitness became a priority to me about 2 years ago. I know it may be hard for people to understand that but priorities do change.  Two years ago my life was my close group of friends.  They were all I had and I made it my goal to keep everyone happy and every one close.  Then I got burned out and realized I needed to put myself first in some respect or I really was going to die at an early age. 

When I got laid off in 2010 I took a step back and reassessed my life and made a decision to take care of myself before I worried about others.  It was time to be selfish.  When I found Zumba it was like the planets aligned and I found something that I liked, that fit my needs, and that I was good at.  It was my escape.

I don't pass up social events, I don't avoid social interaction for Zumba.  The only thing that's changed is that I have an interest that's mine and mine alone.

I don't want to be made to feel bad for having something that's mine. 

If people continue to make me feel that way it may be time to re-assess who my friends really are.  I refuse to take a back seat in my life again.  

Rest. Recover. Reflect.

Last night was rough.  Even after the panic subsided I felt gross.  Depressed. Sad. Scared. Guilty.

Guilty.  It's weird that I felt so guilty for having feelings.  Emotions are not rational and we often cannot control how we feel.  We just feel things.  I felt like my panic attack hurt everyone around me.  That I disappointed them by freaking out the way I did.  I always feel like people think less of me after an attack like that.  Above all - I feel guilty that the whole thing ever happening.

Regardless of how terrible I felt I got up this morning.  I showered.  I got dressed.  I went grocery shopping.  I did laundry.  I made a giant pot of turkey stew for a team thanksgiving feast tomorrow.  I watched football and I kept going.  The world doesn't end because of one day.

I realized this morning just how lucky I am to have the support system that I do.  Not only did I find someone to cover my Zumba class this afternoon but I had another offer to cover it for me if that fell through.

I woke up to caring and concerned messages - text, email, facebook, voicemail - from people who went out of their way to let me know they were thinking of me.  I felt momentarily bad for worrying people... and then I felt loved.  I'm lucky that I have that many people who care about me. 

Today I am doing chores around the house but am trying to be as still as possible.  Resting my body and my mind as much as I humanly can.

For me the worst part about a panic attack like I had last night is how drained and exhausted I feel the day afterwards.  I often talk about the panic hangover and it's a pretty apt description.  I know some of the muscle soreness is a result of the 5 hours of Zumba yesterday but a lot of it, the upper back and body stuff especially, are from the tension from the panic attack.  The headache, the lack of appetite, the aversion to the sight or smell of most food - all of that is typical for me the day after a panic attack.

I also took the big step of asking a friend who she sees about her anxiety.  Tomorrow I'm going to call Dr. Awesome and see if I can get in to see him.  I've been on Zoloft for my mild depression and anxiety since college.  I went off it for a short time after college until I got a real job and that was miserable.  What was even worse was the short period of time I tried Cymbalta. That was evil, evil stuff.

Still, I think it might be time to do some talk therapy, even if just short term, and to consider changing up my medication.  I went a few years without a major panic attack and yesterday was my second one in just a few months.  I also had a smaller panic attack within the last few weeks.  That's the start of a trend and not one I'm okay with.  So off to the doctor for me. 

Now just to get back on board with life.  One day at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  I've got a weird week ahead of me.  Work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. Thanksgiving tucked in there to break up the weekly flow.   Zumba tomorrow and Tuesday and then not again until the next Monday!

I'm really looking forward to the 5 day break from Zumba.  Even though I KNOW I'll spend time over those 5 days learning new routines it'll be nice to not be on such a tight schedule.

Other than finishing laundry the only thing I have to do today is record a quick dance video with Matt and Katie.  Then I'm making myself a steak and veggie stir-fry and curling up with a book till sleepy time.  Rest. Recover. Reflect.  The three R's of my Sunday... not a bad way to spend the day.

Year 29...positive vibes all around.

Year 29 is already shaping up to be an amazing year.

My day started out with breakfast at Starbucks with Matt - my best friend and coworker.  A delicious pumpkin spice latte, skim milk, with an extra shot of espresso. The perfect way to start a brisk fall day. Paired with a delicious everything bagel and cream cheese my stomach was full and I was ready to take on the day.

Work flew through the morning.  Several conference calls later it was time to head out for my birthday lunch.  I thought it would be 6-8 coworkers and myself.  18 people came out to join in on the fun.  It was fantastic and I felt loved.  I don't normally get more than the birthday cards I get from my family but today I got 3 beautiful cards from my team and some very thoughtful gifts. I nommed on salad, breadsticks, and delicious lasagna.  Then... when we got back to the office ... homemade cake.

A delicious cookie cake, courtesy of Matt.

Matt made this delicious treat for everyone at the office to partake in.  Chocolate chip cookie base decorated with smore and oreo icings. Talk about sinful! And delicious!

After work I ran home to see Marshall (the fiancee) and get ready for a night of Zumba.  Since it was my birthday and it was our double header night I got to control the play lists.  I made sure to get all my favorite songs on the list and some old songs we hadn't done in forever.  Sarah and I played instructor leapfrog to make class easier on both of us. Both classes rocked! So hard!

At the start of class though, I got a lovely surprise, Sarah had consipred with owner of the studio and the other dance instructors to sing happy birthday to me.  That included bringing in the little girls in tap class in the other dance room in to sing to me.  It was adorably sweet. That the 30 people in class, all of the staff of the studio and all the little girls wanted in on wishing me happy birthday... I got a bit misty eyed.  Ok... go head.  Judge. I'll wait....

After 2 hours of awesome Zumba Sarah and I went to Chili's for dinner.  Chicken, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob and the birthday ice cream du jour - brownie with vanilla ice cream. It was a delicious meal that was greatly needed after 2 hours of shaking it fast! It felt nice to decompress with Sarah. Were it not for the blah of cell phone service Marsh and Chip would have come along as well.

I have never had a birthday where I felt as loved as I do this year.  Part of that has to do with Zumba and how it made me feel like I finally have a place of my own in Wilson.  Part of that is feeling like such a part of the team at the bank.  Part of it is just feeling like the world is finally on my side.

Waking up to Facebook messages galore wishing me a happy birthday.  Going to work surrounded by people who care and enjoy my company. Hearing from my mother and my niece and nephews all who wanted to sing to me and tell me they loved me. Going to Zumba where I was serenaded by my Zumba divas. Having dinner with Sarah to relax and chat. Coming home to my Marshall and the adorable Penguins of Madagascar toys he got me.  It all adds up to one beautifully, awesome day full of love and happiness.

Year 29 is going to be a big year.  I'm going to keep expanding my knowledge, get my budget in check, and finally beat my scale and increase my health while decreasing my weight and gaining muscle.  I'm going to grow in my professional life and flourish in my personal life.  I can feel it... this is the year everything is lined up for good.

I'm ready to see where the world takes me.