With all the shit that has rolled down hill on top of me lately, I feel like I need to try to focus on that awesome things that have been coming my way.
All things Zumba - Zumba has been my life line through all the bad that's going on. My Zumba family has been amazingly supportive and loving to me in my time of crisis. I've been feeling more powerful and strong and stable because of my newly acquired family.
I've also gained two amazing Zumba family members! Sue and Sarah and I have become an unstoppable Zumba force! And I love that we have each other to not only Zumba with but as friends and sisters in Zumba. We've got big things coming to the Wilson Zumba scene. Sarah and Sue have started lunch time classes. Sue and I are teaching a Zumba/Zumba Gold class together. All three of us are working together on some big events and it's a really exciting time.
I recently added a new class to my solo class out at the senior center in a neighboring area. I'm feeling confident in my ability as an instructor and that's huge.
This past Monday was my 1 year Zumba birthday. I've been an instructor for a year! A whole year! That's AMAZING. I wasn't sure about getting my license because I wasn't sure I was going to use it. One of the best decisions I've made in a very long time.
In July I'm taking the Zumba Basic 2 license class and I'm giddy like a school girl about it! Then a week and a half later is the Zumba Instructor Convention in Orlando. 4 days and 20 hours of Zumba. I can't wait!
My job - I recently got a promotion and have taken on some very cool new
projects. It's really satisfying to have a job that I enjoy and am
challenged by on a daily basis. I'm truly grateful for the chance to go
to work every day right now.
I've been reading a whole lot lately. I'm in the middle of New Rules of Lifting for Women and Eat That Frog right now. Personal growth and more ammunition to add to my healthy living and organizational fire.
With all the stress and awful and grief right now I'm trying to focus on the good and work on me.
And now for some tragic levity ... my inappropriate emotional response of the week.
On Thursday night I taught my first class of the night but I had made my playlist on the fly and it was short so we did the Electric Slide at the end of class as part of cool down to stretch the class out. I started thinking about my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary and doing the electric slide with my cousin Megan and dancing like a fool there. I made it through the end of class and then started bawling like a baby in the car on my way to my second class. I felt like such an idiot. It's weird how things hit you in the weirdest way. The good memories are the important ones, right?
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, June 22, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
When it rains...
The last two weeks have been a roller coaster ride with more lows than highs. I am trying to figure out what to say without making some problems sound more grandiose then they are and still not sound like an ungrateful bitch. There's a fine line there based on the troubles of the last few weeks.
First, my car drama. I swear, I have the WORST luck when it comes to cars. It's unreal how quickly I can go from a perfectly fine car to a dead car. Case in point - last Monday I was on my way to Raleigh to court for the ticket from the accident in April and my car was perfectly fine one second and dead on the side of the road the next.
No warning lights, no smoke, no noises, NOTHING. Just DEAD. Got it towed, dealt with the ticket, come back and find out my motor is toast. It has ceased to be. The quote for a new motor? $4,900. So 70$ for the inspection and 250$ for towing later I get my car to a shop I trust I find out my oil pump died and took my motor with it. I got my car back today at a steal of only $2,800 for the repairs.
A week without my car sucked and I had to strand Marshall here at the house with no transportation and he was very helpful but not happy about the whole thing.
Then to add to the not happy Marshall boat - I got in to a minor fender bender with his van as well. That's right. I was driving his van while mine was getting fixed and I straight up backed in to another car in a parking lot on Friday.
What the CRAP. She wasn't there and then she was. I swear she had turned in to a parking space. I don't know if she backed up or what but I tapped the back of her rear wheel well. Barely a scratch, I think more dirt than damage given how long it'd been since Marsh washed the van, but she was totally vile to me and made me file it with insurance.
So cars have been the bane of my existence in the last two weeks. I don't want to drive anywhere or be in a car with anyone. I'm getting overly anxious at the thought of long car trips. Not cool. I used to LOVE driving but now it's something I truly dread.
Then there's the real reason I'm sad and depressed right now. My grandmother passed away yesterday at the ripe of old age of 94.
My grandmother was one of my earliest idols in life. She was kind, generous, an amazing cook and the type of person who could light up a room just by smiling. When she moved to Washington state when I was a freshman in high school I was inconsolable. I hated being that far away from her and in the last few years it's been hard for me to talk to her because I hated watching her slip away. I loved her so much and she will always be, in my mind, the poker and bingo shark who couldn't believe that Marshall wasn't Jewish.
I'm having a really hard time dealing with because I know I can't drop everything and fly across the country to say goodbye properly right now. I'm hurting because I can't help my mother go out there and say goodbye to her as well. I hate being so disconnected from my family and I hate that I don't have a way to fix that right now.
I feel like a total negative nellie right now but I have another post coming about some really awesome things that have happened over the last two weeks that I just don't have the energy to write about right now.
Just know that I'm out here, I'm kicking and I'm doing my best to tackle each day as if it's a brand new and exciting challenge for me to conquer.
First, my car drama. I swear, I have the WORST luck when it comes to cars. It's unreal how quickly I can go from a perfectly fine car to a dead car. Case in point - last Monday I was on my way to Raleigh to court for the ticket from the accident in April and my car was perfectly fine one second and dead on the side of the road the next.
No warning lights, no smoke, no noises, NOTHING. Just DEAD. Got it towed, dealt with the ticket, come back and find out my motor is toast. It has ceased to be. The quote for a new motor? $4,900. So 70$ for the inspection and 250$ for towing later I get my car to a shop I trust I find out my oil pump died and took my motor with it. I got my car back today at a steal of only $2,800 for the repairs.
A week without my car sucked and I had to strand Marshall here at the house with no transportation and he was very helpful but not happy about the whole thing.
Then to add to the not happy Marshall boat - I got in to a minor fender bender with his van as well. That's right. I was driving his van while mine was getting fixed and I straight up backed in to another car in a parking lot on Friday.
What the CRAP. She wasn't there and then she was. I swear she had turned in to a parking space. I don't know if she backed up or what but I tapped the back of her rear wheel well. Barely a scratch, I think more dirt than damage given how long it'd been since Marsh washed the van, but she was totally vile to me and made me file it with insurance.
So cars have been the bane of my existence in the last two weeks. I don't want to drive anywhere or be in a car with anyone. I'm getting overly anxious at the thought of long car trips. Not cool. I used to LOVE driving but now it's something I truly dread.
Then there's the real reason I'm sad and depressed right now. My grandmother passed away yesterday at the ripe of old age of 94.
My grandmother was one of my earliest idols in life. She was kind, generous, an amazing cook and the type of person who could light up a room just by smiling. When she moved to Washington state when I was a freshman in high school I was inconsolable. I hated being that far away from her and in the last few years it's been hard for me to talk to her because I hated watching her slip away. I loved her so much and she will always be, in my mind, the poker and bingo shark who couldn't believe that Marshall wasn't Jewish.
I'm having a really hard time dealing with because I know I can't drop everything and fly across the country to say goodbye properly right now. I'm hurting because I can't help my mother go out there and say goodbye to her as well. I hate being so disconnected from my family and I hate that I don't have a way to fix that right now.
I feel like a total negative nellie right now but I have another post coming about some really awesome things that have happened over the last two weeks that I just don't have the energy to write about right now.
Just know that I'm out here, I'm kicking and I'm doing my best to tackle each day as if it's a brand new and exciting challenge for me to conquer.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Rest. Recover. Reflect.
Last night was rough. Even after the panic subsided I felt gross. Depressed. Sad. Scared. Guilty.
Guilty. It's weird that I felt so guilty for having feelings. Emotions are not rational and we often cannot control how we feel. We just feel things. I felt like my panic attack hurt everyone around me. That I disappointed them by freaking out the way I did. I always feel like people think less of me after an attack like that. Above all - I feel guilty that the whole thing ever happening.
Regardless of how terrible I felt I got up this morning. I showered. I got dressed. I went grocery shopping. I did laundry. I made a giant pot of turkey stew for a team thanksgiving feast tomorrow. I watched football and I kept going. The world doesn't end because of one day.
I realized this morning just how lucky I am to have the support system that I do. Not only did I find someone to cover my Zumba class this afternoon but I had another offer to cover it for me if that fell through.
I woke up to caring and concerned messages - text, email, facebook, voicemail - from people who went out of their way to let me know they were thinking of me. I felt momentarily bad for worrying people... and then I felt loved. I'm lucky that I have that many people who care about me.
Today I am doing chores around the house but am trying to be as still as possible. Resting my body and my mind as much as I humanly can.
For me the worst part about a panic attack like I had last night is how drained and exhausted I feel the day afterwards. I often talk about the panic hangover and it's a pretty apt description. I know some of the muscle soreness is a result of the 5 hours of Zumba yesterday but a lot of it, the upper back and body stuff especially, are from the tension from the panic attack. The headache, the lack of appetite, the aversion to the sight or smell of most food - all of that is typical for me the day after a panic attack.
I also took the big step of asking a friend who she sees about her anxiety. Tomorrow I'm going to call Dr. Awesome and see if I can get in to see him. I've been on Zoloft for my mild depression and anxiety since college. I went off it for a short time after college until I got a real job and that was miserable. What was even worse was the short period of time I tried Cymbalta. That was evil, evil stuff.
Still, I think it might be time to do some talk therapy, even if just short term, and to consider changing up my medication. I went a few years without a major panic attack and yesterday was my second one in just a few months. I also had a smaller panic attack within the last few weeks. That's the start of a trend and not one I'm okay with. So off to the doctor for me.
Now just to get back on board with life. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. I've got a weird week ahead of me. Work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. Thanksgiving tucked in there to break up the weekly flow. Zumba tomorrow and Tuesday and then not again until the next Monday!
I'm really looking forward to the 5 day break from Zumba. Even though I KNOW I'll spend time over those 5 days learning new routines it'll be nice to not be on such a tight schedule.
Other than finishing laundry the only thing I have to do today is record a quick dance video with Matt and Katie. Then I'm making myself a steak and veggie stir-fry and curling up with a book till sleepy time. Rest. Recover. Reflect. The three R's of my Sunday... not a bad way to spend the day.
Guilty. It's weird that I felt so guilty for having feelings. Emotions are not rational and we often cannot control how we feel. We just feel things. I felt like my panic attack hurt everyone around me. That I disappointed them by freaking out the way I did. I always feel like people think less of me after an attack like that. Above all - I feel guilty that the whole thing ever happening.
Regardless of how terrible I felt I got up this morning. I showered. I got dressed. I went grocery shopping. I did laundry. I made a giant pot of turkey stew for a team thanksgiving feast tomorrow. I watched football and I kept going. The world doesn't end because of one day.
I realized this morning just how lucky I am to have the support system that I do. Not only did I find someone to cover my Zumba class this afternoon but I had another offer to cover it for me if that fell through.
I woke up to caring and concerned messages - text, email, facebook, voicemail - from people who went out of their way to let me know they were thinking of me. I felt momentarily bad for worrying people... and then I felt loved. I'm lucky that I have that many people who care about me.
Today I am doing chores around the house but am trying to be as still as possible. Resting my body and my mind as much as I humanly can.
For me the worst part about a panic attack like I had last night is how drained and exhausted I feel the day afterwards. I often talk about the panic hangover and it's a pretty apt description. I know some of the muscle soreness is a result of the 5 hours of Zumba yesterday but a lot of it, the upper back and body stuff especially, are from the tension from the panic attack. The headache, the lack of appetite, the aversion to the sight or smell of most food - all of that is typical for me the day after a panic attack.
I also took the big step of asking a friend who she sees about her anxiety. Tomorrow I'm going to call Dr. Awesome and see if I can get in to see him. I've been on Zoloft for my mild depression and anxiety since college. I went off it for a short time after college until I got a real job and that was miserable. What was even worse was the short period of time I tried Cymbalta. That was evil, evil stuff.
Still, I think it might be time to do some talk therapy, even if just short term, and to consider changing up my medication. I went a few years without a major panic attack and yesterday was my second one in just a few months. I also had a smaller panic attack within the last few weeks. That's the start of a trend and not one I'm okay with. So off to the doctor for me.
Now just to get back on board with life. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. I've got a weird week ahead of me. Work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. Thanksgiving tucked in there to break up the weekly flow. Zumba tomorrow and Tuesday and then not again until the next Monday!
I'm really looking forward to the 5 day break from Zumba. Even though I KNOW I'll spend time over those 5 days learning new routines it'll be nice to not be on such a tight schedule.
Other than finishing laundry the only thing I have to do today is record a quick dance video with Matt and Katie. Then I'm making myself a steak and veggie stir-fry and curling up with a book till sleepy time. Rest. Recover. Reflect. The three R's of my Sunday... not a bad way to spend the day.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Year 29...positive vibes all around.
Year 29 is already shaping up to be an amazing year.
My day started out with breakfast at Starbucks with Matt - my best friend and coworker. A delicious pumpkin spice latte, skim milk, with an extra shot of espresso. The perfect way to start a brisk fall day. Paired with a delicious everything bagel and cream cheese my stomach was full and I was ready to take on the day.
Work flew through the morning. Several conference calls later it was time to head out for my birthday lunch. I thought it would be 6-8 coworkers and myself. 18 people came out to join in on the fun. It was fantastic and I felt loved. I don't normally get more than the birthday cards I get from my family but today I got 3 beautiful cards from my team and some very thoughtful gifts. I nommed on salad, breadsticks, and delicious lasagna. Then... when we got back to the office ... homemade cake.
Matt made this delicious treat for everyone at the office to partake in. Chocolate chip cookie base decorated with smore and oreo icings. Talk about sinful! And delicious!
After work I ran home to see Marshall (the fiancee) and get ready for a night of Zumba. Since it was my birthday and it was our double header night I got to control the play lists. I made sure to get all my favorite songs on the list and some old songs we hadn't done in forever. Sarah and I played instructor leapfrog to make class easier on both of us. Both classes rocked! So hard!
At the start of class though, I got a lovely surprise, Sarah had consipred with owner of the studio and the other dance instructors to sing happy birthday to me. That included bringing in the little girls in tap class in the other dance room in to sing to me. It was adorably sweet. That the 30 people in class, all of the staff of the studio and all the little girls wanted in on wishing me happy birthday... I got a bit misty eyed. Ok... go head. Judge. I'll wait....
After 2 hours of awesome Zumba Sarah and I went to Chili's for dinner. Chicken, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob and the birthday ice cream du jour - brownie with vanilla ice cream. It was a delicious meal that was greatly needed after 2 hours of shaking it fast! It felt nice to decompress with Sarah. Were it not for the blah of cell phone service Marsh and Chip would have come along as well.
I have never had a birthday where I felt as loved as I do this year. Part of that has to do with Zumba and how it made me feel like I finally have a place of my own in Wilson. Part of that is feeling like such a part of the team at the bank. Part of it is just feeling like the world is finally on my side.
Waking up to Facebook messages galore wishing me a happy birthday. Going to work surrounded by people who care and enjoy my company. Hearing from my mother and my niece and nephews all who wanted to sing to me and tell me they loved me. Going to Zumba where I was serenaded by my Zumba divas. Having dinner with Sarah to relax and chat. Coming home to my Marshall and the adorable Penguins of Madagascar toys he got me. It all adds up to one beautifully, awesome day full of love and happiness.
Year 29 is going to be a big year. I'm going to keep expanding my knowledge, get my budget in check, and finally beat my scale and increase my health while decreasing my weight and gaining muscle. I'm going to grow in my professional life and flourish in my personal life. I can feel it... this is the year everything is lined up for good.
I'm ready to see where the world takes me.
My day started out with breakfast at Starbucks with Matt - my best friend and coworker. A delicious pumpkin spice latte, skim milk, with an extra shot of espresso. The perfect way to start a brisk fall day. Paired with a delicious everything bagel and cream cheese my stomach was full and I was ready to take on the day.
Work flew through the morning. Several conference calls later it was time to head out for my birthday lunch. I thought it would be 6-8 coworkers and myself. 18 people came out to join in on the fun. It was fantastic and I felt loved. I don't normally get more than the birthday cards I get from my family but today I got 3 beautiful cards from my team and some very thoughtful gifts. I nommed on salad, breadsticks, and delicious lasagna. Then... when we got back to the office ... homemade cake.
 |
| A delicious cookie cake, courtesy of Matt. |
After work I ran home to see Marshall (the fiancee) and get ready for a night of Zumba. Since it was my birthday and it was our double header night I got to control the play lists. I made sure to get all my favorite songs on the list and some old songs we hadn't done in forever. Sarah and I played instructor leapfrog to make class easier on both of us. Both classes rocked! So hard!
At the start of class though, I got a lovely surprise, Sarah had consipred with owner of the studio and the other dance instructors to sing happy birthday to me. That included bringing in the little girls in tap class in the other dance room in to sing to me. It was adorably sweet. That the 30 people in class, all of the staff of the studio and all the little girls wanted in on wishing me happy birthday... I got a bit misty eyed. Ok... go head. Judge. I'll wait....
After 2 hours of awesome Zumba Sarah and I went to Chili's for dinner. Chicken, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob and the birthday ice cream du jour - brownie with vanilla ice cream. It was a delicious meal that was greatly needed after 2 hours of shaking it fast! It felt nice to decompress with Sarah. Were it not for the blah of cell phone service Marsh and Chip would have come along as well.
I have never had a birthday where I felt as loved as I do this year. Part of that has to do with Zumba and how it made me feel like I finally have a place of my own in Wilson. Part of that is feeling like such a part of the team at the bank. Part of it is just feeling like the world is finally on my side.
Waking up to Facebook messages galore wishing me a happy birthday. Going to work surrounded by people who care and enjoy my company. Hearing from my mother and my niece and nephews all who wanted to sing to me and tell me they loved me. Going to Zumba where I was serenaded by my Zumba divas. Having dinner with Sarah to relax and chat. Coming home to my Marshall and the adorable Penguins of Madagascar toys he got me. It all adds up to one beautifully, awesome day full of love and happiness.
Year 29 is going to be a big year. I'm going to keep expanding my knowledge, get my budget in check, and finally beat my scale and increase my health while decreasing my weight and gaining muscle. I'm going to grow in my professional life and flourish in my personal life. I can feel it... this is the year everything is lined up for good.
I'm ready to see where the world takes me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)